i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
