Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
