glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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