sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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