you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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