Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
