Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
