Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he thought i was a dude.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
