omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
