please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
