They should really pass out barf bags in church
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
where are you?
Hypothermia
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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