I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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