So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
