she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
