plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
