is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
