Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
