I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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