Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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