she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
