you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
