I want to stick my p in your. b.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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