update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
