Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize