talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
