Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I need moral support for this bender
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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