So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
