mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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