I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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