Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
