I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
