Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize