What did we do last night that was yellow?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
