i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
