Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
