I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
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