im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
