She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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