just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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