Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
