Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
