you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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