When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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