Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
