Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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