: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
