The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
