i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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