u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like, not good at living.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize