This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
