If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
