The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
