I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
