ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
