My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
