I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
We smell like vodka and hangover
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