i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
