I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
