im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
