I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
